Search

Remember the 28th

Life after infant loss, spreading joy to honor our precious child.

Carry Harry

June 4th, 2015 was the last day of my previous life. On June 5th, 2015 a series of events took imageplace that led to the loss of our beautiful, healthy, happy baby boy, Harrison. Due to this loss, I am forever a different person.  My perception of life is forever different. I often ache to return to my previous life. I squirm to find ways to undo the past. I bargain with the universe to give me just 10 more minutes to hold him in my arms. However, I know, no amount of time will be enough. Logically I understand, I can’t turn back time.

It has been a month since we lost Harrison. As time passes, his memories stay stagnant. It doesn’t feel right. How can this world just move on without him? How can I move on without him? How can his Daddy and brother move one without him? The answer is… we don’t! We have to change for good. We are now different people.

image

We have received so many kind words of support over the past month. The words that give me the most comfort are, “I often think of Harrison.” Or “I will always remember Harrison when….” Prior to experiencing this time of grief I never understood what someone might want to hear. For me, this is helpful.

I am a Pinterest Mommy. I love finding fun ideas to enjoy time with my kiddos! I love seeing other Mommy’s creative ideas. There is no mess I am afraid of… Everything cleans up (or doesn’t… who cares?). It is the memories that you make during the process that imagecount. One of my first Pinterest projects with my boys was to take monthly milestone photos on their monthly birth anniversary. I loved to watch them grow! I loved to look back at the photos. It was fun for me! And it was a process. Harrison’s birthday was Jan 28th. On June 28th, after Harrison’s passing, I looked at the calendar….I had no process. I ached for him to be in my arms.

So I need a new “process”, people! Not just any process. I don’t want to resume life like he never happened. He DID happen! His life MATTERS, even if it was shorter than most. What imageprocess can I start to honor him and carry his spirit? I would prefer to carry him in my arms, but I don’t have that choice. So I will numbingly carry his spirit and start a new process. I hope with time the “process” will become beautiful, therapeutic, joyful, and happy.

So here is my idea…. On the 28th of each month Jason, Bennett, and myself will continue to finish Harrison’s milestone photos with random acts of kindness. I will photograph our project with the chalkboard to represent Harrison’s milestone. I will blog about our journey, and continue to share memories of Harrison’s life. I have no clue what the “acts of kindness” will be.   However, I hope we can spread the joy that Harrison brought us. I hope we can continue to teach his brother compassion and imagecaring, which he was learning from having Harrison in his life.

Feel free to join in! Start your own “random act of kindness” on the 28th of each month.  Let’s make the 28th GREAT! (Or pick a different day, any day will do!) There are no rules! Money is not required! Extensive time is not required. Complicated processes are not required. Give a compliment, give a tip, donate toys, donate clothes, make cookies for a neighbor, pick flowers for someone, give a hug, visit a nursing home…. Get your kids involved. And most of all, promise, to remember our Harrison when you do it! That is the best gift you can give us!

Featured post

I am NOT ok


One year ago today, marks the day my life would changed forever.  I would become a completely different person with a new identity.  An identity that I did not choose, seek or want.  I can never erase, change, or undo the events that took place that day.  But on June 5th 2015 my healthy, happy baby boy passed away and I became a mother to an angel.

I sit here and reflect on the past year. A year dealing with tremendous grief and emotional pain.  A year dealing with feelings of incredible betrayal and anger towards our ex child care provider.  And a year trying to process this change.  Figuring how to function again as a Mom, a wife,  a friend, and even an employee. How do I move forward without leaving Harrison behind?  It has been a journey.

So how am I doing?  People say to me, “I’m so glad your doing well.”  Or “I’m so glad you are Ok.”  Or “You are stronger than I.” I don’t even know how to process these comments.   I don’t feel “ok.”  I don’t know if I will ever be “ok” again.

I mean, I can’t help but remember this exact time last year. I think about the fog I was in.  I remember my sister-in-law taking Bennett to the Home Depot kid’s craft. I was so numb I had no desire to leave the house and join them.  Neighbor’s brought us milk and Kleenex.  Normal tasks were impossible.  I would climb inside Bennett’s crib and watch him breathe all night. My breasts were engorged and ached to nurse.  My job that I loved and circulated around didn’t even enter my mind. I have moved passed this fog.

I now function through life.  I am back to enjoying work.  I laugh.  I play. I enjoy my husband.  I enjoy making life fun for Bennett and watching him grow and explore his world.   I enjoy my friends. I have made new friendships through this nightmare.  So I guess that makes people say “I’m doing ok.”

But I’m not “ok.”  And I’m not sure I want to be “ok.” Because “ok” might mean I have moved on. I can’t move on without Harrison. My heart aches JUST as deeply as it did 365 days ago.  The pain and loss will still take my breath away.  Even with this new baby in my womb, I am not moving on.  I don’t care if I continue to have 10 living children. I will actually be the mother to 11 children.  Harrison will always count.  I think of Harrison every day.  I see Harrison in every 4 month old baby.  I think of Harrison when I see a kiddo that is approximately his age.  Even Bennett thinks of Harrison.  Just last week an ambulance drove by and Bennett said, “They have Harrison, Mommy.”

No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring Harrison back to this Earth.  I can’t change what has happened, but I can control the way I react to it.  I will always miss Harrison.  I will always feel the pain his absence causes.   I might always be angry with the care provider that was in charge that day, I have that right.  But I have to choose out to react to the situation.  I was reading Developing the Leader in You by John Maxwell and found a segment that gave me clarity.  The book was describing a study that was done on highly successful people.  People like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Helen Keller, Winston Churchill, Mahatma Gandhi, and Albert Einstein.  The study revealed that 1/4  of the people had handicaps, 3/4 were born either born in poverty, come from broken homes, or at least came from exceedingly tense or disturbed situations.  But they still reached incredible success.  As John Maxwell put it, “They realized they could not determine every circumstance in life, but they could determine their choice of attitude toward every circumstance.”

So how does this apply to my situation?  It means I will continue to choose to honor my son.  I will share his joy.  While I may not be “ok.”  It will NEVER be “ok” that he passed away.  However, I will choose to function.  I will choose to be kind.  My husband deserves a wife that is kind and loving.  Bennett deserves a mother that is present and loving.  This new baby deserve to join a family that is ready to embrace more love.  Harrison deserves to be the catalyst of positivity in this world.  So I will choose to strive towards living a life that represent kindness, love, patience, and positivity.

Harrison,

I love you!  I miss you!  You are always my baby boy.  I am sorry I was not able to protect you.

Love,

Mommy

 

 

 

 

 I Will Always be Your Mommy

  
Over the past several months, I have spent many moments pondering, Why?  Why did this happen? What went wrong? Who’s at fault?  What did I do wrong?  I understand, these are all normal feelings when processing incredible grief.  However,  I also feel so thankful to be Harrison’s Mommy.  Yes, perhaps his life was short.  But he had so much meaning on this Earth.  Harrison is a blessing to our family.  He brought us joy every day.  Regardless, of how short is life was and the pain we experienced in his absence, I would do it again!

It is my goal in life to work through the grief so I can get closer to his Harry’s Joy!  Harry’s Joy is his legacy!  And it is now my mission and responsibility to carry his joy.

We are very excited to be expecting another baby.  It also brings lots of emotions; hope, fear, joy, and sadness.  Even Bennett is processing our change in his 3 year old minds.  Bennett said to me at Easter lunch, “Mommy I want to be your baby.” “Oh sweet Bennett, you will always be my baby!  Harrison, will always be my baby.  We will just have EVEN more to love with this new baby.”

I know most parents out there with multiple kids can relate to this feeling, but I remember being nervous that I could never love another child as much as Bennett.  Then Harrison arrived and I did!  Immediately, I loved both our boys to the moon and back!  I know there will be no difference with this 3rd child.  We will love this little peanut all the same.

We are looking forward to this new addition.  But we know this little child will not replace our love for Harrison.  We will continue to miss Harrison.  And we will continue to carry Harry with us every day!  We will represent Harry’s joy on the Earth.  We will teach this new baby  about the older brother that watches over us from Heaven.

I am now preparing to be a mother to 3 wonderful children.  I will enjoy the love of each of my children on Earth and will carry the love of my angel baby Harrison every single day.

Harrison,

Mommy misses you every moment.   I remember your time on Earth fondly.  I appreciate the meaning you brought to my life!  I will love you for always!  I will honor you forever!  You will always be my baby boy!

Darcy

  

The Dreaded “New Normal”

  
 It has been 8 months since we lost our sweet Harrison.  In some moments it seems like forever since I held him in my arms and other moments it seems like just yesterday.  

  I always hated the word “New Normal.”  However, I think that is what I feel.  I can never regain my normal prior to Harrison’s passing.  I am forever different.  First, Harrison is not physically in this normal.  Secondly, I have a pain I carry with me in life.  A deep pain that isn’t always apparent but is present.   Finally, I have a new appreciation and awareness of human kindness.  I understand what it means to be in need of support and to receive support and love in abundance.  I know what it feels like to know I have been loved by so many that I can not repay the favor.  These life lessons make my new normal different than before.  So I think we are at a “New Normal.”

Our life feels full of normal stresses like getting a 3 year old to stay in his bed all night.  We have normal happiness watching Bennett explore his world.  Listening to him talk about important things like Monster Trucks, Legos, the color orange.  We are enjoying time as a family, playing games, taking walks, and mostly just being together. We have normal challenges of teaching Bennett sharing and kindness.  Our life is normal.  Our life is happy. 

One thing I cannot figure out in this new normal is how to introduce my “new” family.  Meeting new people is part of life.  Most conversations start with, “Do you have kids?”  What do I say?  One?  It just doesn’t sound right to me.  I’ve tried it. I don’t have one child, I have two children.  But when I say two, this is usually followed with, how old are your kids?  Now what?  Do I say,  “Three years and our youngest passed?”  Or do I lie in order to avoid the enevidable awkward silence and say, “Three years and 13 months?”  Nothing feels right.  Most of the time, if I tell a stranger my baby died, they treat me like a weirdo.  But he is my baby!  It feels weird not to acknowledge him.  I was always frustrated that there was no perfect book on how to raise a child.  Well, there is no perfect book on how to be the Mom to an angel.  So I guess I will keep saying I have two babies and deal with the awkward pause when I say one died.

Even though we have hit a “New Normal,” I know our grief journey is not over. Still today,  I find myself struggling with anger!  It is a feeling that I don’t want to carry forever.  So I hope it continues to get better.  But I’m still really pissed!  I’m not pissed at the universe anymore.  However, I’m pissed about everything that should have happened or shouldn’t have happened on that day.  I have to control my brain from going down the tailspin of anger. At times, I feel capable of screaming a cry that would be heard around the world.  I don’t like being angry.  I will get through this…  in the mean time, I will focus my energy of spreading Harrison’s Joy.  I will honor him every day!

For Harry’s Joy today we had the wonderful opportunity to visit with a family that is also experiencing grief.  Bennett helped pick out some gifts for a couple beautiful young ladies that recently lost there father.  I feel so honored they allowed us to connect today.  I also feel sooo incredibly sad for them and their beautiful mother and his parents.  I hope for a moment our gifts brought a distraction from reality.

  

Happy Birthday Harrison

  
I have dreaded Jan 28, 2016 for 6 months now.   How does one survive your baby’s first birthday when he is not on Earth to celebrate?  I’ve been asking myself this question for 6 months.  I have brainstormed many ideas.  Do I throw a party?  Do I host a fundraiser?  Do I sulk in sarrow?   What if I make the wrong choice?  I became paralyzed and overwhelmed so I did nothing.  

Until last night, when I was on my way home from work.  I was already late getting home and I changed my plan.   I turned erratically from the straight lane.  I compulsively needed balloons and cupcakes.  Harrison may not be here but, DAMN IT , he happened.  So we will celebrate his birth.  I will hang the Happy Birthday banner and we will sing.  Because Harrison’s Life Matters!

The pain and sarrow I feel in this moment is so heavy.  I don’t think it is any lighter than the day he passed.  In a way, this pain is harder because the adrenaline and shock have worn off.  The knumbness is gone.  This pain now feels familiar.  It’s not something I feel daily any more, but I recognize it.  I don’t avoid it.

As I sit here allowing my body to flood with memories, I find myself reflecting.  I lose my breath in tears because I am overwelmed with the enormous volume of love we have received this year.  The countless people who have cared for us, held us, and loved us is so incredibly overwhelming.  

I feel so appreciative of EVERYTHING!  I have experienced human connection on a new level this year.  I have countless moments that may seem mundane yet are vivid memories I will carry forever.  I wish I could write about every person that supported us from the shortest text that meant the world to me to the largest investment in time and money.  I have felt touched by it all.  There is no way words can express my graditutde to everyone.  I just want to say thank you to everyone who supported us this year.  Please know every hug, kind word, note, text, email, gift, donation, and meal leaves me feeling overwelmed with graditude.  

Thank you for honoring Harrison through acts of kindness.

Our official act of kindness to honor Harrison’s first birthday will not be ready today.  We will share a few smaller acts tomorrow and post the official act in a few days.

Out of Balance

So I am following a Facebook blog written by a college friend of mine, Laura Hilton- Sutherland, called “Living in Blance – Laura’s Way.”  I encourage anyone seeking balance in life for 2016 to read her story and join us.  Her first challenge, identify 3-4 things that are out of balance in your life.  So here it goes!

Most people know I lost my son in 2015.  However, very few people know that I also took two promotions at work, one in March (while on maternity leave) and the second in September.  I love my job!  I love my new position.  I love the people I work for and the people I work with daily.  I am appreciated.  I am mentally stimulated. I am challenged.  I am learning everyday!  I am also working harder and longer hours than I have ever worked in my life. And I still look forward to Monday!

In addition to this, my personal life has been technically simplified and emotionally challenging.  What I mean is technically I started off the year caring for two babies and now I only have one child in my arms.  Plus this amazing kiddo is becoming more and more independent everyday.  So technically, my parenting load is lighter.  

However, the emotional stress of losing a child is overwhelming.  I miss my baby.  There is always a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart.  It used to consume me every day.  Now it just visits during those quiet moments.   Work  and Bennett have been my outlets to move past some of the grief pain.  Plus, I have a strong husband to walk this journey with me.

So here is my focus for balance in 2016!

#1 My Marriage….I have a wonderful husband and we have a strong loving relationship. When Harrison passed we made a commitment to each other to honor Harrison through our marriage.  So the #1 on my list IS and always will be my husband.  I want him to feel loved and appreciated everyday.   

#2 Bennett… I have done pretty well with this piece, but I’m listing it because it is soooo important I can’t lose this.  All our children really want from us is love and attention.  Seems simple, but it takes consistent time, patience, and focus to truly invest in your kiddos.  And Bennett is worth the investment.

#4 Myself…. No surprise, I listed this last on my list.  Like most Mom’s I always come last.  I am sooooo out of whack here!   I have completely and totally neglected my basic needs.  Why is it so easy to take care of everyone else but I can’t fit in 20 mins for myself?  Why do I feel guilt when I do things for myself? It is not uncommon for me to go an entire day without eating and weeks without exercise.  My body is holding every calorie I consume. My joints hurt and my skin is dull and broken out.  I drink diet soda daily and rarely consume water.  I was on my way to losing the baby weight and then Harrison passed away.   I have not lost a single pound after Harrison died, in fact I gained 5 more pounds!

  I’m not talking about needing to lose 10lbs so I can fit in that black dress.  I’m talking about being healthy.  I’m talking about feeling strong and energized. I’m talking about being able to look at my reflection in the mirror without tears.  I want to have a conversation with friends and not feel embarrassed of my size.  So this one is for me!  I want to find time to be healthy physically and mentally.

That is my list!  In 2016 I want to focus on balancing my life with these three priorities on top of my list.  While I love my job, I will not die some day thinking, “Man, I wish I worked harder.”  Nor do I want people to say, “She worked long hours!”  I want people to say, “She was kind.  She was understanding. She was a patient loving Mommy and wife.” So it’s time to make sure my life has balance. 

 

Christmas 

  Christmas, is a time for joy and family.  I look forward to it every year.  It’s my favorite holiday.  It’s a time for caring and sharing.  Our schedule is full with traditions that create a lifetime of memories for all. I take a break from work life and turn my focus towards the things I value most, family and friends.

But this should be Harrison’s first Christmas.  We should have presents for him under the tree.  Our Santa pictures should include two kids.  I see 11 month old babies everywhere and I miss him.  I dream of how life would be if he was here on Earth.   Change that, I dream of how things SHOULD be.  

I wish I could see my boys play together.  How would they interact at this point?  Bennett likes sleeping in Harrison’s room now.  It has been 6 months since we lost him, and his room is the same.  The same sheets on the crib, his clothes fill the closet and drawers.  There are even 4 tiny outfits sitting in the dirty clothes.  

I wonder if Harry were alive if Bennett and Harrison would share this room.  I imagine Bennett would sleep in the bed and Harrison in the crib.  I always hoped they would choose to share a room since they were so close in age. 

These dreams will always be part of me.  This incredibly deep desire to have Harrison on Earth will live with me forever.  This missing piece of my heart will remain empty forever.

While I have moments of sadness this Christmas, I don’t feel overwhelmed with sadness or grief.  I feel absolutely overwhelmed with gratitude and appreciation.

We have been the recipients of so much kindness this year.  I am humbled by our family, friends, and even strangers that have wrapped us in kindness over the past 6 months.  I am humbled by the enormous out pouring of support to honor and remember our sweet Harrison through acts of kindness.  

I am appreciative to have the opportunity to watch Bennett explore his world daily.  I am appreciative for a strong, compassionate, man to walk this life journey together. I am thankful for the four and half months of joy we experienced with Harrison in our arms.

Today, I choose to feel blessed!  

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

  

This is for Paris

  
Our home is full of heavy hearts for the victims in the Paris attacks.  So many people lost sons, daughters, parents, spouses, brothers, sisters, and friends. It brings me back to the days immediately after our loss.  I know the survivors are struggling with, “why?”  “Why the hell would ANYONE cause intentional harm to completely defenseless and innocent people?” 

 Surviving family members will also be haunted with questions like, “What if… They didn’t attend that concert or go to that restaurant?”  “What if they would have left sooner?” The first few days are the darkest days of grief. Dealing with loss that could have been prevented!  Loss that should not have happened.

So what can we do to help?

1. Change ur profile picture! I’m serious! When we lost Harrison my sorority sisters and friends changed their profile pictures to sailboats (our sorority symbol). This was amazing to see massive outpouring of support. It shows you care! We can’t understand their pain, but we can  express that we care!

2. Honor Paris! I encourage everyone to do an act of kindness to honor Paris. Just say, “This is for Paris.  Pay it forward.” We can reacted to the horrible act of evil with LOVE and PEACE! So let’s do it!!! And share your act of kindness on Facebook! I Know Paris will see it!

 I’m also going to tell you what helped me during those first few days.  Maybe through the use of social media this post will find its way to the victims families and provide support.

1. Your loved one Matters!  While there life ended too soon it is just as important and significant as some who lived 100 years.

2. There is NOTHING in your power that would have changed the outcome.  Nothing will bring them back.  It’s not your fault.  

3. I encourage you to honor their life.  Honor them with love for others.  Your love for them is endless even after loss.  Carry them with you by showing love for others.  At first the process of honoring will feel knumb like putting one foot in front of the other.  You will be mad that you are doing acts to honor them instead of having them in your arms.  But eventually you will find joy in the process.  Joy that is a constant reminder of their importance.

4.  Accept help!  You can’t do it all right now and that is ok.  Let others hold you up.  But don’t stop participating in life.  Allow your friends and family to distract you.  Spend time with the people who care about you.

5. Write down your memories.  Tell your story over and over.  Don’t hold it in.  Talk about it and write it down often.  The memories will fade and you will want them to reflect back.

Paris victims, I am personally thinking of you often and I am incredibly sad for this horrible unfair act of evil.  It’s not fair!  It sucks!  And I will honor you this week with one daily act of kindness to show you I care!

  

Reflecting Back

  

  
I look back at pictures of myself prior to losing Harrison and it’s like looking at pictures of someone else.  This experience of loss has created an entirely different human. I now file memories away as before loss and after loss.  I wish I could turn back time and live as that person in pre loss state for just one day, but I can’t.

What do I see when I look at this picture? I see a busy Mom.   A women who loves her children and husband.  A woman who is so physically tired she finds herself searching for words.  A woman who lives in a messy house because there are not enough hours in the day.  A homebody that loves spending time with friends and family. A woman who is trusting. Her days are packed with little time for herself.  Her hands are full and her heart is over flowing.  She is happy!  She has it all!  The career, the husband, and the kids!  She lives in constant chaos but she loves her chaos.

 I remember thinking the weekend before Harry passed,”I have everything I want in life! Everything I want is right here. Even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.” Now, I’m thankful for that memory.

So today I reflect back and read this list above and believe all of these facts are all still true.  But I am not the same person.  

Here is how my mind has changed..

I visit uncomfortable feelings EVERY day. I constantly am aware of Harrison’s loss. I spend time pining for something that is not possible. I daydream about the possibility that this is a mistake and my baby is alive. I daydream that someone is going to surprise me and bring me Harrison. This thought brings me incredible happiness for a split second.  Followed by intense sadness  as I realize it’s delusional and will never happen.

Life feels fragile.  I receive a phone call from Bennett’s school and my mind leaps to the possibility of his death.  When my husband doesn’t call me by 5:18 after work, I will fear his safety.  I fear the  mortality of family and close friends .  I look at pictures of sleeping babies and worrying that they are dead.

Additionally, my life is more focused.  I understand and better appreciate true love.  I have a mission to honor Harrison and carry his joy in this world.  I have learned how to support those in pain.  I am no longer afraid to approach when I don’t know what to say.

While I want to return to my pre loss life sooo bad. I don’t have that choice.  So I will get to know the new me. And I know I have a “new me” because I LOVE Harrison.  I will always love him.  This is the definition of true love. I will continue to love deeply and risk loss. I will love my husband and Bennett just as deeply.  As they are both worth it!  

So now I look back at this picture of myself and say, “Today is the best day of your life!  TODAY!  Savor every second of it!  Love deeply and absorb every moment!”  And even though I can’t bring Harrison back, we are still living.  And we are living lives to honor him.

So today we honored Harrison by completing our Harry’s Joy Misson as a family.  We are a few days off because I was out of town this week and we like to do our acts of kindness as a family.

  
Today we went to the grocery and paid for a young mother’s groceries.  It was wonderful!  She was appreciative and embraced my husband in a hug as Bennett and I watched from a far.  Her baby looked about Harrison’s age.  I know she will hold him a little tighter for us tonight.

We love you Harry!

A Grandpa’s Love

  
We have been so fortunate to experience so much love and support since losing Harrison.  So many friends, family members, and even strangers have been kind enough to help hold us up during our weak moments.  We have experienced grace, kindness, support, generosity, and love from so many.  I can’t express our gratitude enough. 

Even with an huge amount of help and love, walking through this grief journey often feels isolating.  In the first few days after Harrison’s  passing, it seemed my husband and I were circled with love from others while on an emotional island that very few people can understand.  

I have read all about the stages of grief.  I believe I did so in hopes I would find a light at the end of the tunnel.  Some sort of understanding of what I’m feeling, how long I will feeling it, and when will it be bearable?  But the books always talk about these seemingly linear stages.  And that was not what I was experiencing.  It seemed no one really understands what I am  experiencing. Nothing takes the pain away.   Our situation is unique  compared to the textbooks.  I felt alone walking uncharted waters.

Days after losing Harrison, while I was on my self absorbed personal journey, I remember my mother said something about her grief.  I am embarrassed my first thought was… “Your grief! I’m the one who lost my child!”  But I paused and looked around at my house full of people supporting us and realized EVERYONE around me was also grieving. When Harrison passed it wasn’t just a loss for Jason and I.  Other people lost a grandson, a nephew, a cousin,  and a neighbor.

My father-in-law started attending a men’s group to work through his grief.  The leader of the group ask Tony to write out his story to share.  A few days ago Tony shared his story of Harrison’s loss with us.  It is a hard story to read.  But it allows me to understand Tony’s grief. I appreciate Tony sharing his story with us.  It makes me feel less isolated understanding Tony’s experience with grief.

Today, Tony is allowing us to share his world with you all.  Perhaps there is someone out there experiencing there own grief that will feel less isolated hearing this story.

 This is what Harrison’s Grandpa Tony experienced on June 5th 2015.

“On June 5, 2015 about 3pm, I am driving on I-70 nearly to downtown Kansas City just 15 miles from my son’s home in Lees Summit. I am driving my daughter Elizabeth and her daughter Fiona, who is 6, to meet Harrison Anthony Herold, their 4 month old nephew and cousin that neither had yet to meet. My phone rang and my youngest son Jason was on the phone, very upset, and telling me that his son “Harry” was at daycare and they couldn’t get him to respond after a nap. Jason was going to the Emergency Room and they were rushing Harry there also.

My daughter-in-law Darcy was working from home and on a 3 way conference call and they could not reach her. After about 10 minutes , when I had heard nothing more, I recalled Jason and asked him what was going on. He said that “Harry did not make it. They could not revive him. He was dead.” Jason wanted to leave the ER to go get Bennett their 2 year old who was also at the same daycare. This day, it was only Bennett and Harrison at the daycare home. Bennett saw and experienced everything, policemen, paramedics, and firemen who came to the 911 call and subsequently took his brother “Harry” away from him.

I told Jason we would go get Bennett. When we arrived at the daycare home there were 4 police cars. Bennett was standing off to the side completely forgotten about. His clothing was soaked with pee and he had seen it all. Firemen had carried Harry away and Bennett would never see him again. The police checked my ID and we took Bennett to the emergency room.

We all ran crying into the ER carrying Bennett and we went to the desk to say we were here for “Harrison Herold.” We got blank stares until someone said. “Its the baby.” We were led to a small conference room. It seemed as if everyone in the ER waiting room were watching us as we cried and screamed and went to find our family.

Jason tried to comfort his son Bennett and actually our 6 year old Fiona did a better job than any of us at soothing Bennett. After some time Elizabeth and I went to the ER room where Darcy was holding Harry. Darcy was crying and kept saying, “I’m so sorry this has happened. I so hope you were not afraid. Where are you Harry?” My daughter Elizabeth went to Darcy’s side and they both caressed and held the baby who was cold and white. I left to return to the conference room with Fiona and Bennett and Jason.

Later the nurses came in and told them that they had to turn over the body to the Medical Examiner’s Office. Darcy would not lay “Harry” down on a cart but rather placed him in the arms of a crying nurse and instructed her to hold him until Darcy had left the room.

We had 3 cars at the Hospital. Darcy insisted on driving home alone. Elizabeth drove Fiona and Bennett home. Jason wanted me to drive him in his car. As we both got in the car, I felt overwhelmed with the reality that my son was feeling absolute despair and I could not help him or fix it for him.

Silently, we drove the back roads the 10 miles to their home. I felt so lost and helpless. As we pulled out of the parking lot, I reached over and held hands with my 39 year old son and we drove home to Hidden Valley Road. My heart and soul are completely shattered.”

– Anthony Herold, “Grandpa Tony”

While this story may be difficult to read, it is a reminder that one lost life in this world, no matter how small, will impact so many people!  Thank you again, for all the support and thank you for supporting others experiencing any personal loss.

Next Wednessday is the 28th once again!  Feel free to join us and share you acts of kindness.  If you need Harry’s Joy cards you can pick them up at any of the posted pick up locations.

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: